By Dean George
“What have we got,” police Captain Alvin Alveo asked the rookie police officer sitting behind the two-way mirrored glass. The young officer was intently observing a petite suspect sitting calmly in detention.
“Not sure Cap’n,” says Officer Darren Crown, turning to face his Captain. “We thought it was a bungled B&E, but now we’re not so sure.”
“Why not?” Alveo asked, lifting a massive eyebrow upon seeing the suspect. “Man, is she tiny,” he thought to himself.
“Things just aren’t adding up, Cap’n. First, the perp claims that she didn’t break in, but insists she was expected. Hard to argue that since we found no signs of forced entry. Second, according to the family, nothing is missing. Third, and this part is really weird, she claims the purpose of her visit wasn’t to burgle, but leave cash,” Crown said.
“Leave cash?” Alveo said with a frown, tugging on his ear. “Why would anyone enter a house in the dead of night to drop off cash? How much did she leave?”
Checking his notes, Crown looked up and grinned. “Three dollars and forty cents. And according to her, she was leaving it for a kid.”
“With a kid? That’s crazy,” Alveo said. “Has she been checked for drugs and given a breathalyzer?”
“She’s clean,” Crown said, shrugging. “Have also checked her for any priors and got zip.”
“Did she have any identification on her?” Alveo asked.
“Nope. All she had on her was cash. Well, cash and a jar whose contents are being analyzed now,” Crown added.
“A jar?! What was in it?” Alveo asked impatiently.
“The techs are checking it now, but it looked like the jar was full of little Chiclets.”
“Chic...? Crown, have you been drinking? Maybe we should give you a breathalyzer test, too!”
“I know, I know – it sounds crazy, right? But I’ve been chewing Chiclets since I was a kid, and I know what they look like… sir,” Crown explained defensively.
Captain Alveo was quite for a moment, and then turned back to Crown. “What in the world is she wearing?” he said, nodding at the subject.
“Beats me. She says it’s her work outfit,” Crown shrugged. “I don’t know about you Cap’n, but I’ve never seen anyone work in an outfit that looks like that,” he replied, referring to the teal blue dress trimmed in gold, cinched neatly in the front with a gossamer bow.
“Aside from her get-up and the jar of…whatever,” Alveo frowned, “was she carrying anything else on her person?”
“Uh, yeah, but you’re not going to believe it,” Crown said with a quizzical look.
“Try me,” Alveo said.
“She had this fancy baton,” Crown said, bending down and handing the captain a slender rod made of shimmering silver.
“Baton? Geez, Crown, it looks more like a wand than a weapon.”
“A wand?” Crown said unbelievingly, his ears reddening. “You mean like a music conductor uses? What would a perp be doing with a conductor’s wand?”
“Wait a minute,” Alveo said snapping his fingers. “A jar of…Chiclets, a shimmering wand, and entering a residence in the middle of the night to leave a kid money?” Alveo said, shaking his head in disbelief. “Good gosh, man, do you know who that is?” he said, pointing a stubby finger at the suspect.
Suddenly Officer Crown’s eyes widened in recognition. “Sir, is that…Lady Gaga? Omigosh, I’ve wanted to meet her since…”
“No, you idiot, but let me give you a hint. Some call her La Petite Souris, and millions more call her Ratoncito Perez.”
“Uh, I’m not fluent in Swedish or any of the Scandinavian languages, sir.”
Captain Alveo just stared at Officer Crown, started to say something, but quickly shook his head when thinking better of it. “Crown, release her. Now,” the Captain said quietly.
“Re, release her sir? But we still don’t know…”
“Crown, when you were a boy and lost a tooth, did you ever put it under your pillow before going to sleep?”
“Why, sure Sir. My folks told me if I did the Tooth Fairy would…” Officer Crown stopped in mid-sentence like he’d been tasered. “Oh no, sir…you don’t mean our perp is…is…” He pointed wordlessly at the empty chair where the suspect had been seated just moments ago but had somehow now disappeared.
“Gone in a cloud of fairy dust?” Alveo asked. Crown stood gaping at the empty room behind the three-way glass, flexing his jaw as if to speak but no words would come out.
“Crown, you have kids, don’t you?” Alveo asked quietly.
“Not yet Sir, but we have one on the way in a couple of months.”
“When your child loses their first baby tooth and you tell them to put it under the pillow…” Alveo suggested.
“You might want to include a personal note of apology and a bag of Fairy Floss,” Alveo said while clapping the bewildered rookie’s shoulder.
Note: this blog post is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual tooth fairies and policemen, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
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